NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS GUARANTEED TO SUCCEED

December 26th, 2009

  

The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that we try to change our life by making difficult changes.

 

Forget about those. Remember all the C’s you got in some subject back in school? Life is like school. There are certain things we get C’s in – no matter how hard we try.

 

For example, let’s say you really suck at playing the piano. In the past, you might make a New Years resolution to take more piano lessons and practice at least two hours every day. And you know down deep in your heart that you are never going to be a good piano player.

 

So, what to do? It’s easy. Get more A’s in the things that you get A’s in.

 

No, I’m not kidding. Let’s say you are really good at something – like planning parties and entertaining guests.

 

So here’s the deal. Make a resolution to be even hotter at something that you love doing. As a party planner and entertainer, why not raise the bar on your party productions? Cook better food? Wow the guests with more interesting people that you invite? Provide unforgettable live music? You KNOW what I’m talking about.

 

Too often in life, we are trying to make up for our past weaknesses, or we are trying to accomplish something so difficult that the reform effort actually interferes with what are born to do.

 

Okay, okay – you’re probably saying you that you really do want to be more physically fit this year? Or you want to save more money? Or pay more attention to your family? Fine, but then again I have to ask you, “What is possible, practical, achievable, and potentially very successful?”

 

Here’s the answer. What “difficult” thing can you get A’s in? What tasks can you accomplish that will likely NOT earn you a C?

 

You know what those are. For example, instead of resolving in 2010 to save a million dollars, why not try to save a hundred dollars this week? Now that is possible, practical, achievable, and potentially very successful. Now there is an A in the making!

 

Back to my original thesis. Shouldn’t we do what we are good at and then get better at it? Isn’t doing what we suck at just beating a dead horse? Why waste time with that stuff?

 

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Is There Hope for Tiger Woods’ Marriage?

December 16th, 2009

Tiger Woods could end up being a champion family man, if he acts as smartly now as he does on the golf course.

 

A lot of people celebrating 50th wedding anniversaries have survived a few affairs.

 

Looking back over my life, I have to wonder if nature is the natural enemy of wedding vows. After all, we are all biologically programmed to have sex with just about anybody at any time – as programmed as we are to have to eat when we are hungry.

 

And we are also emotionally programmed to feel resentment and jealousy when our partner strays – even when a relationship is new and a long way from marriage commitments.

 

We are intellectually programmed to try to resolve conflicts, yet this programming appears to be weaker than the other two – and will lose out to amphibian lust and violence.

 

That’s why I think we need to go for help when our previous relationships and our families are threatened by sex outside the marriage. I think couples need help to the same degree that alcoholics need AA.

 

It doesn’t help when one partner insists outside sex is “no threat” to the primary relationship. And it also doesn’t help when the wounded partner hides behind the legality of the marriage vows – as if the sinner stole money from bank with a gun.

 

In a nutshell, if both parties find that the core relationship is worthwhile and worth saving, then a process of rebuilding is in order. Think about it. Nations murder millions of people in neighboring nations but, only a few years after such nightmarish encounters, end up as the best of allies. Teenage children inflict unpardonable havoc on themselves and their families, yet parents protect and help them out of love and commitment.

 

You will note that I have not used the word forgiveness even once. That’s because two people will rarely give the same definition of the word, depending on circumstances. What I am advocating, however, is the use of our natural intellects to resolve conflict, to get the help of experienced smart people, and to build great families that can withstand all of the storms that life will bring them.

 

Tiger Woods is no amphibian. His wife and children are not little lizards. I’m hoping for the best for all of them.

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Does Your Gift Fit the Receiver’s Personality?

December 14th, 2009

TODAY’S TOPIC: The Golden Rule is not a good rule for gift-giving

That’s right, the Golden Rule is not a good rule for gift-giving. If we gave people only gifts that  we wanted for ourselves, where would there be joy? Husbands giving vanity jock straps to wives? Wives giving lotions and potions to husbands?

The right rule is the Platinum Rule, i.e., give them what THEY want. Such gifts are indeed a gift of LOVE because the giver may not “get” the value of the gift, may not “feel” the beauty of the gift, and may even think it’s a complete waste of time and money. Take a tatoo, for example. If you are one of those people who recoil with horror and the very idea of a tatoo, you are delivering a gift of profound love when you take your loved one and waltz into a tatoo parlor and shell out seven hundred dollars for a permanent intricate full-color portrayal of a bleeding vampire victim on the bare chest of this love of your life. Such is love. Such is Platinum Gifting.

I called a few of my friends and asked for wish lists for Christmas. Here’s what they listed:

My Blue friend Maria says she’ll be happy with a relaxation CD, a massage, live flowers, a seminar, books and tapes, a spiritual retreat, a massage, an original card or poem, healing aromatherapy items, theater, comedy, or concert tickets, a Vegan dinner and night out, an exotic dictionary, or gifts for her kids and her favorite charities.

My Gold friend Janet wants a gold pendant, pearl earrings,  a dress for a formal dinner, scrapbooking supplies, an elegant picture frame, Sees candy, a new energy-saving refrigerator, silverware nice enough to bequeath to a daughter, a gift certificate to Macy’s, software for electronic planning, a Julia Child cookbook, a deluxe Scrabble set, and membership in a California wine club.

My Orange wife Rose likes fun, surprises, and stuff for the family. On her list would be a spontaneous trip to Flagstaff or any beach city in the world, a spectacular bouquet of flowers, a return to Europe, tickets to a concert or major finals event in sports, tickets for all grandchildren to accompany her to museums and zoos and parks and theme parks, a really fun party with family and friends, an elegant dinner, sexy art for the house, state-of-the-art kitchen appliances,and — oh yes, a fully remodeled kitchen.

Green friends are hard to shop for, but I think I know just what George would like. First of all, this guy loves techie gadgets. He’d be happy with an upgrade to a Blackberry phone, a Kindle from Amazon.com, a GPS attached to anything that moves, a universal remote that worked the TV, refrigerator, garage door, and lighting system throughout the house. Ironically, his “geeky” hobbies are about as non-techie as you could imagine. He plays a ukulele, roots for an obscure softball team, remodels Nashes, and is a collector of home-made crystal radio sets. It takes great research to come up with “new” gifts to feed into the hobbies, but the search is always worth it. You should have seen his face when he got an original gear-shift head from a 1949 Nash.

Happy shopping, people!!! Even though you might now share a love of the gift, you will FEEL and ENJOY the love of your giftee!!

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Money Issues for a Gold Wife and an Orange Husband

December 9th, 2009

Let’s take a look at a couple with totally different values about money. She’s Gold, he’s Orange.

 

THEIR VALUES STATEMENTS –

 

·        A Gold view of money: Money is a precious resource. A full life demands access to abundant resources. Frugality and the intelligent, careful use of money creates wealth and power. Spending money frivolously is a sin. Living on the financial edge is foolish, and it’s disrespectful of those who depend on you.

 

·        An Orange view of money: Life is not about money. Life is about grabbing the moment and feeling fully alive every day. Managing money has importance, but money itself is a tool to allow us to be truly alive, vital, and excited. Unnecessarily hoarding money ties us down and squelches creativity and growth.

 

This month is December 2009, gift-giving season – and what better time to check out money handling differences between a Gold and an Orange.

 

Of course you know what the Gold wife did. She scrimped and saved all year to buy everyone’s presents well in advance, at the best prices, and at the highest quality she could afford. Her Christmas shopping probably ended on Black Friday – not began.

 

The Orange husband, on the other hand, has saved nothing and embarks on buying presents somewhere between Black Friday and Christmas Day itself. Budgets be damned. It’s time to splurge and have fun. Otherwise, why go to work every day, right?

 

Come January 1 when the bills all come due, Gold wife and Orange husband need a Come to Jesus Meeting to keep from killing each other. She doesn’t want to pay interest on the husband’s credit cards for his lack of planning. He is happy to have been “generous” with his gift-giving and doesn’t think the Christmas splurging is that big a deal. In fact, that’s the way he’s lived his whole life.

 

So how to resolve this?

 

Rule #1 about arguing about money. The person who is a different Color from you has these VALUES like millions of other people of THAT COLOR. They – including your significant other – were BORN that way. Don’t try to change them. It’s not about you. And these values are NOT UNIQUE to your spouse. It’s likely that THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE OF THOSE VALUES. The problem is NOT that there is something wrong with the other person. Values different from yours ARE NOT CHARACTER FLAWS.

 

If you carefully read the Values Statements above, you can see that a calm discussion can result in seeing for understanding, some common values and, yes, EVEN BEHAVIORAL CHANGE!

 

Let’s just focus on how the Gold wife can persuade Orange husband to make a few small behavioral changes (not changes to his personality, by the way).

 

Common values. When you get down to it, the Orange husband will agree to the following: A full life demands access to abundant resources. Managing money has importance.

 

Important Orange Values. While money is important, equal importance to an Orange is personal freedom, plenty of choices to make at all times, the ability to play and party without planning, enjoyment of impulses, and seeking excitement.

 

Suggested Behavioral Changes for an Orange. Both parties need to agree on the importance of abundant resources and to actually say so aloud. What happens next is very important. The Gold strategy of “saving for a rainy day” and “putting off immediate gratification” will absolutely not work for an Orange. Both ideas probably make him sick internally. Saving is boring, and seems limiting. No red-blooded Orange person puts off immediate gratification very often.

 

The Gold mate needs to pose workable options that the Orange will choose from and, of course, the Orange wants to be asked to provide his own options. Options might include a hidden, automatic savings plan that’s easy to forget about. The Gold spouse might be allowed to take complete control savings, but still providing the Orange with a liberal allowance for play money, impulsivity, and spontaneity. Or else the two parties might decide to live on completely different bank accounts – with a third account meant to cover mutual expenses like mortgage, utilities, etc. The bottom line is that the Gold controls her own financial destiny and the Orange retains the freedom that he needs. Over time, the Come to Jesus meetings should be less frequent and the couple has better odds of enjoying each other’s company. Both have stopped judging each other negatively for values they don’t share. Letting themselves be themselves is a great act of love, wouldn’t you say?

 

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Hiring Questions That Reveal Personality

December 8th, 2009

 

Many of my workshop participants ask for another copy of INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR HIRING. Here it is today in the blog for everybody. When you are familiar with the basic strengths, values, and needs of each color, you will hear them scream out at you when job candidates answer the questions.

 

INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR HIRING

 

1.    Looking back over the last few years of your life, what is it about your performance that your bosses and colleagues most appreciate about you?

 

2.    Describe your ideal boss.

 

3.    What are your workplace strengths that you are most proud of?

 

4.    How do you like to be treated by your co-workers?

 

5.    Especially with regard to co-workers, what behaviors cause you the most stress and frustration?

 

6.    Describe your “ideal work environment”?

 

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Diablo Cody

November 5th, 2009

Boy, is there ever a book for you to read. Pay attention, Orange people – something for YOU. Just finished reading Diablo Cody’s book Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper.  You may already know her as the Oscar-winning screenwriter of Juno.

She’s the ultimate extraverted Orange-Green personality. She’s got a top-notch foreign journalist’s Orange daring, backed up by the laser-perfect vocabulary skills of the Green.

 

As Jane Fonda is the poster child of an introverted Blue-Gold, so Cody is the extraverted Orange-Green. (Just imagine these two playing each other in biopics.) You have all got to enjoy this book. Fifty years ago, it would have surprised if not completely horrified most people. Heck, some people today will be surprised. The beauty of this biography is the stark non-judgmental journalism about her own life, the people she cares about, the sex industry – both the vendors and the customers – and drugs and alcohol. Such freedom. Such magnificent freedom. God bless the true Oranges who are true to themselves. The Greens among you will love her lexicon – and the complete utilitarian nature of her adventures. Blues may totally identify with husband Jonny, and get off on the author’s imagery. Golds– gawd, I wish there were more of you on this site – I’d pay money to hear what you think. And Oranges – well, just pump up your chests in pride.

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WORKING A ROOM PSYCHOGRAPHICALLY

October 26th, 2009

 

What if all strangers at a national conference wore Bourbon-Street-style beads flaunting their first Color? Before your eyes, an individual had on an identity necklace — Green, Orange, Blue, or Gold. Bear with me on this, folks. I get my workshop participants to do this all the time.

 

Your first encounter is with Ms. Jones with a Green necklace. You’re thinking, okay, Ms. Jones is probably proud as heck that she’s a true expert in something and she likely hopes that YOU are a very interesting expert in whatever you do too. You know what not to do –  do not get too touchy feely with personal information. She thrives on knowledge, competence and rationality. So what’s your opening line? How about, “Hi, I’m Jack. I just got to hear So-and-so talk about some intimidating research. Can I ask you what you are finding most interesting about this event?”

 

Mr. Smith with Gold beads is your next contact. Of course he will likely be a pretty serious dude – caring that your role at the conference is productive and he hopes that you will get on board with sound policies if they are discussed. You know to avoid overly general ideas and too much out-of-the-box thinking until you get to know the person better. Mr. Smith is all about duty and responsibility. A good opening line might be, “Today I was able to set up my workshop schedule in a matter of seconds. I haven’t had to ask a single person for directions. Is this thing well organized or what! What’s your impression?”

 

Moving on to Mary Clinton with a Blue necklace, you expect “touchy-feely” to be okay with her. Bottom line, she is an idealist and will likely be hugely interested in harmonic relationships – whether between two ordinary human beings or between nations on a pathway to lasting peace. You avoid conversation that is strictly business with Mary because she will be looking for a window to establish some kind of personal relationship with you. Be prepared for a conversation that may involve a large gamut from pets and children to world peace itself. Looking at her name badge, you might make your opening line, “Hello, Mary, I see you’re from Warrenton, Missouri. Believe it or not, I lived near there for three years a long time ago.  Can you still board the train to St. Louis there?”

 

Next, Bob Nelson has Orange beads on. The odds are good he likes action of many kinds. He is a free-agent in life, loves his freedom to move about, will take risks, will negotiate masterfully, and will be the most likely to want to have fun. You do not want to discuss anything in painstaking detail because he will be bored quickly, and especially do not hand him anything to read. Orange Bob will want you to get to any point quickly and won’t need much sugar-coating or schmoozing. And Bob likes options – so selling him on one idea might not work. An opening line? Try something like, “I’m Jack. So far it’s been all work and no play today. I see you don’t have a drink yet. Can I get you one?”

 

So how do you create opening lines when your new friends aren’t wearing “their Colors”? That’s a subject for another blog entry, but here are a few hints: Extraverts are easier to read than introverts. And there are some questions that will reveal temperament preferences quickly. For example, “I think I’m going to volunteer to help plan the next conference. If you could plan one like this, what would you do differently?” This question will often net a full list – a treasure chest of the values and needs of a particular temperament.

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Psychographer — what’s THAT?

September 27th, 2009

 

If you look up “psychography,” you’ll find everything from studying personalities for marketing purposes to channeling the words of spirits through your own writing. I understand that marketers have used the term psychographics for years, along with demographics, etc.

 

I have brazenly adopted and adapted the word psychographer for the work I do in Four Windows. Psychographics, as seen through Four Windows, is applying the proven research and laws of psychology to real-life interaction – especially to work teams and to the customers they are supposed to serve.

 

I dream that one day mainstream dictionaries will include the following definition of psychographer: Psychographer. [sai ka’ grə fər] A personality analyst; a psychological advisor specializing in personality typing that enables the understanding of self and others, peak group performance, communication improvement, etc.

 

This is a science. The applied sciences of the last 50 years have demonstrated that commonly known truths about all people can help an average team move toward excellence. This research especially enables people to communicate respectfully and clearly.

 

The tools are simple to use. Some people are surprised to find out that formerly complex studies are now straightforwardly understandable tools for just about everybody – from top management types to field people who may not spend much time reading at all. Four Windows is such a set of tools.

 

More importantly, it turns out everybody can be a functional and successful user of this technology for everyday purposes. Psychography is all about resolving conflict, clearing the air, making friends, relieving stress, and getting on with life and business on smoother roadways instead of barrier-laden dusty paths.

 

At networking meetings, I’ve had a great deal of trouble trying to come up with an “elevator speech” — that 30-second presentation that hopefully demonstrates what one does in terms of the listener’s own needs. So now, the opening line is, “I’m a psychographer.” You gotta love it.

 

Here’s the 30-second infomercial: Hi, I’m Jack Dermody and I am a psychographer!! I help you answer questions like, “What do my customers need to hear so they will buy my product?” “How do I hire the right employees and vendors?” “Why can’t my people communicate?” “Why don’t my people understand me?” “How can I get my people to get along?”

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Orange people are stupid because…

September 22nd, 2009

One BIG problem with being any Color is that people of other Colors consider us wanting, less than perfect, and possibly stupid. I will talk about being a “stupid Orange person” in this blog entry.

 

I’ve already called ALL THREE other Colors stupid and saved Orange for last because, well, I have a hard time calling my Orange brethren “stupid.” The problem is that I’m one of those guys that wants to be reborn Orange. You guys have all the fun. You are usually not klutzy, You are skillful physically, daring, and victorious so much of the time. If you’re a guy, you get the girl – and vice-versa. Oranges, it’s tough following your act.

 

Yes, the other Colors find you hard to deal with. Blues think you cause too much conflict. Golds can judge you to be totally irresponsible. Greens believe you can’t think beyond what’s directly in front of you. But do we think you’re “stupid”? Now that’s hard – because above all else you Oranges tend to be cool. And being cool doesn’t go with “stupid,” now does it!

 

What we can probably all agree on is that rudeness is not uncommon for Oranges – and frequent rude impolite and insolent behavior can really, really look “stupid.” Rudeness from teenagers is to be expected, but from adults? It’s very hard to understand.

 

Ironically, you might not even think you’re being rude. You tell it like it is. You’ll say something like, “Was it you who recorded this CD? Oh, really? I don’t like it. I’d be embarrassed to put my name on it. If it were mine, I’d throw it away.” If called on this, you respond, “I’m just being straightforward and honest, so what’s your problem? You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you.”

 

Glad you asked. Our “problem” may sound like this, especially if you tend to be “straightforward and honest” day after day – with no letup. Blues will steer you away from people who require a diplomatic approach, or they may begin to avoid you altogether. Golds will feel their work is being disrespected and may even conclude that you put very little thought into your own work. Greens might actually use the word “stupid” to your face because your continual hasty negative responses will seem thoughtless, naïve, and non-productive.

 

So what to do? For us other Colors, we are blessed to get honest feedback and should be thankful rather than offended. On the other hand, if the Orange judgment seems hasty, thoughtless, and rude – well, then, we ought to speak up and ask for thoughtful information. Oranges are usually not offended when you want to have an honest discussion or even an energetic debate. The result can be surprising.

 

As for you Orange folks, well, take a look around. Are you finding more rejection now than ever before? Does it look like people are less and less likely to approach you? The solution is simple enough. Understand what the needs and values are of the other Colors. As an Orange, you are utilitarian by nature – you go for what WORKS! Find what works for your colleagues, friends, and family – then alter your behavior to get what you want. You’ll be surprised how a few changes in tone, language, and behavior will get you back in the fold sooner than you think!

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Green people are stupid because…

September 21st, 2009

One BIG problem with being any Color is that people of other Colors consider us wanting, less than perfect, and possibly stupid. I will talk about being a “stupid Green person” in this blog entry.

 

Hey there, Green people, the word “stupid” is not often applied to our rational Green population, is it? So what’s the word “stupid” doing here in this blog entry? I doubt that many people see your reasoning as “stupid”, but you can be sure some of your business and social interaction with people of other Colors just might look “less than intelligent.”

 

I personally look upon upcoming meetings with Green bosses and leaders with some trepidation. The greeting at their office door often sounds exactly like this: “Who are you?” “What’s this about?” and “How long is this going to take?” What seems “stupid” here is an apparent lack of social skills, disrespect for others, and just plain bad manners.

 

Granted, you Green folk operate in an intense atmosphere with unforgiving deadlines, numerous complex projects, and a dire need for efficiency. Time is not just money for you. It is almost everything. Niceties like social banter, expressions of emotion, and even business protocol take second fiddle to your projects and your time.

 

In my experience, Greens who act this way are often quite unaware of the effect they have on the people who work around them. Most of the time, other Green colleagues speak and act in the same manner and so do not see the concise and straightforward language as “stupid”. Blues, however, interpret such language as negative, causing conflict, and leaving little room for important discussion of any length. Golds see barriers of arrogance, superiority, and disrespect for others’ roles and timetables. Oranges can’t help but feel they are in the presence of a know-it-all; this “sage” may not be a person they can depend on to work with others and take real action when it’s time to do so. So, for Greens, what these other Colors would call their “stupidity” would not have anything to do with a lack of knowledge or competence; instead they are alarmed at the “stupidity” of unawareness of others’ needs, values, and stressors.

 

I think Greens, of all the Colors, have the hardest time adjusting their behavior to improve their approachability. In many of my seminars, it is clear that Green folks do understand what to do to build better bridges with others, but Greens demonstrate they struggle to put this knowledge into action. For example, to get true buy-in from Blues and Golds, it’s important to pro-actively and energetically participate in what seems like lengthy meetings. This is in stark contrast to Green-on-Green meetings which sometimes tend to begin and end before either party can pass through a doorway and sit in a chair. And they conclude with: “Send me an email. I’ll get back to you.”

 

When it comes to working with a team, other people’s values mean a lot. Taking time for a little social interaction and open-ended discussion (not always on point) are tasks and events that are every bit as important as the completion of a drafted stratagem. Social interaction can be uncomfortable – but so can drilling holes in steel to accommodate rivets, and it’s a step that can’t be skipped.

 

To those of us who are not Greens, our successful relationships with them and our understanding of them will grow geometrically if we approach them with full knowledge that they start out wanting to respect us and work with us. When we show up at their door with questions or information, is it clear that we have done serious homework? Can we express our ideas clearly and concisely? Are we willing to stay on point?

 

Now here is one last tip for working with Greens. They have very strong stomachs and big shoulders when it comes to dealing with conflict. If you feel that you are not getting the respect and audience you deserve from them, say so. Be ready to explain why. You will be surprised at their accommodating responses. Unlike the rest of us, Greens are not known to lose sleep over personality issues; on the other hand, they will think and act quickly on information of a personal nature that clearly effects the completion of projects and the quality of productive teamwork.

 

 

 

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