Why take the survey? Find out how others probably see you. Stop approaching people in annoying ways, especially when you don’t realize you irritate folks from places you deem to be “good.” Share the results with people you care about — and especially with people you are in danger of losing.

Why is 4WPS better to take than many other such surveys? To begin with, 4WPS is the result of 2000 years of  trial and error in human relations. Better yet, the knowledge and skills to be applied are easily understood immediately by just about everyone. Scientists and bricklayers are equally comfortable with the awesome insights from the four personality types, each identified by a Color: Green, Orange, Blue, or Gold.

Check it out, folks. Go to www.JackDermody.com/4wps

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However, compatibility can be harder to achieve when neither party shares a Color in the first two Colors of the spectrum. A Green-Gold paired with an Orange-Blue may find it exceedingly difficult to communicate easily. In this case, the serious task-oriented Green-Gold must try to interface every single day with the impetuous, constantly fun-loving Orange-Blue. The obvious “plus” for this relationship is a penchant for winning and for getting things done efficiently. Such a pair might run a small family business like a well-oiled machine, it would seem. If this relationship is on fire and is worked on carefully every day, the couple can surely brag that each partner “completes” the other — and how wonderful that must be.

Do you share a Color with your mate? How is that working out? Do you not share a Color? Tell me about your interaction.

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The physical environment these folks provide for themselves is almost hysterically stereotypical. What could me more Green  than shelves filled with books and walls decorated with famous Rationals? The film’s background music is nearly exclusively classical, even for the love making. Decor is minimalist at best. The principal activity besides reading books – even in bed – is problem-solving dialogue.

The plot begins when the wife’s best guy friend asks her for some intimacy because he is lonely and needing affection. She obliges, not expecting that the kisses would lead to a passionate affair that has the lovers conclude that they should have been together from the beginning. What ensues is a highly structured but compassionate method of separating themselves from, respectively, a husband and a live-in girlfriend.

I don’t want to spoil the story, especially the side stories that accompany the main one. However, you the viewer get to see Rationals attempting to be, well, “rational” about an affair, about inevitable trouble that results, and the recognition that, yes, Greens have feelings too.

Sometimes I get the idea that many Rationals would rather not have to be in love – perhaps being more interested in a partnership for a more complete life rather than a hormonally activated and rather emotional relationship like that of gooey passionate couples of fiction and movies.

Keirsey temperament expert Stephen Montgomery has yet to complete and publish volume four of The Pygmalion Project – the last being a literary look at Rational temperament types in love and marriage. If the reason is a lack of literary sources, Mr. Montgomery, then perhaps you have found it in Shall We Kiss?

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But, if you think about it, peace is the result. Creating harmony is the process. Peace happens. Harmony requires work.

The word harmony is a musical term, and music is probably a best example of the work involved with making harmony. When two musicians improvise together, every note played is the result of a decision every single second to sound harmonic with each other. The result is something wonderful to listen to. If there is no effort harmonize, the result would be far less than wonderful.

I get to play music with lots of people. Sometimes it feels like a lot of work to make a piece sound good; other times, it’s just plain fun. And most of the time the audience members say they are entertained or otherwise moved.

So how different is the real world from making music? It must be a lot different because traps of negative interaction are really easy to fall into. Some people love conflict. A few people claim to love a good fight — and lots of good fights sometimes.

My own Idealist (Blue) personality style loathes conflict of most varieties. When it exists, I choose to either help resolve it or I may opt to run away from it. And even though I understand Blue people are the biggest harmony seekers of all four Colors, I don’t understand why all Colors should not be equally committed to working at creating harmony when life delivers each opportunity to be harmonic.

Harmony-seeking Gold people will achieve peaceful organization all around themselves. Greens will have the resources to peacefully fill their arsenals with knowledge and creativity. Oranges will be peacefully released from society’s vice-principals to be more energetic and free. We Blues will bissfully follow more paths and more readily affect harmonic change everywhere.

A culture of seeking harmony cannot possibly train people to crash jets into skyscrapers. A nation’s Congress would not become selfish and ineffective by wallowing in immovable partisanship. Bosses and parents would not micromanage the people who must obey them. Couples would look for strengths behind annoyances. We would all learn to choose our words actions better.

Harmony is the work, the process. Peace is the result.

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Equally popular with guys and gals is a romantic night — either “in” or “out”.

Staying in the house — especially on a cold winter night that most of the country is experiencing right now — takes a little imagination, but here are idea-starters: fire in fireplace, lit candles, scented candles, christmas lights, a special mix of music, a favorite game of conversation starter, the aromas of favorite home-cooked food in the kitchen, wine, dessert, clean sheets, bubble bath, massage oil, a video chosen for your shared tastes, and — well, do you need more ideas for the romantic night in the house?

And how about that evening “out”? For free, you ask? In the middle of winter? You bet your bippy! Fortunately, Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year, so the date “out” can be in the daytime, right? A few ideas, then — let’s start with packing a picnic lunch to eat in the car atop the hill with the best view within 20 miles of home. Play games in the back seat like you did in high school. Fog up the windows. If the weather’s not horrific, walk on some beautiful trails or carry your ice skates to the nearest frozen pond and skate till you drop. Heal your bruises with a few glasses of wine. Read each other the homemade cards you wrote for each other. Go home and give each other a massage.

Yup, the best things in life are free. The best kind of love is always freely given, at least I think so.

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The solution for the rest of us is right in front of us. We have the option of resolving our own conflicts right here, right now. We can do that with our lovers, our children, our colleagues, and strangers.

It’s the Butterfly Effect, i.e., a single butterfly flaps his wings and thereby has a small role incontributing to the creation of a hurricane on the other side of the world.

Our own efforts to make peace with everyone immediately around could very well have some effect in Lebanon or China or Ecuador.

With the tools and skills we get from the study of personality typing, we make the changes we want to see all around the world. For example, my ex-wife has been phoning with endless stories of the processes she is going through to cure her overly sensative intestinal system. When we were married, I had no patience for litanies of woes. I’ve discovered that this woman with such a clear Gold temperament is giving me now — again — an opportunity to make peace with her and all Gold people by being the listener she needs, the validator of her needs and values.

We often don’t recognize that our own values that we are born with may be inadvertently causing others stress — not only here and now, but all over the world in some kind of mysterious chain reaction. What I need to do — what we all need to do — is recognize what part of our natural type is causing conflict or reducing conflct. This recognition has to be deliberate. It requires that we step back and watch ourselves act and speak — and then edit what we say and do for world peace.

We don’t have megabucks. We don’t have powerful positions. But we have our own megapower every single time we do something or say something.

We are indeed World Peace.

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A lot of people celebrating 50^th wedding anniversaries have survived a few affairs.

Looking back over my life, I have to wonder if nature is the natural enemy of wedding vows. After all, we are all biologically programmed to have sex with just about anybody at any time – as programmed as we are to have to eat when we are hungry.

And we are also emotionally programmed to feel resentment and jealousy when our partner strays – even when a relationship is new and a long way from marriage commitments.

We are intellectually programmed to try to resolve conflicts, yet this programming appears to be weaker than the other two – and will lose out to amphibian lust and violence.

That’s why I think we need to go for help when our previous relationships and our families are threatened by sex outside the marriage. I think couples need help to the same degree that alcoholics need AA.

It doesn’t help when one partner insists outside sex is “no threat” to the primary relationship. And it also doesn’t help when the wounded partner hides behind the legality of the marriage vows – as if the sinner stole money from bank with a gun.

In a nutshell, if both parties find that the core relationship is worthwhile and worth saving, then a process of rebuilding is in order. Think about it. Nations murder millions of people in neighboring nations but, only a few years after such nightmarish encounters, end up as the best of allies. Teenage children inflict unpardonable havoc on themselves and their families, yet parents protect and help them out of love and commitment.

You will note that I have not used the word forgiveness even once. That’s because two people will rarely give the same definition of the word, depending on circumstances. What I am advocating, however, is the use of our natural intellects to resolve conflict, to get the help of experienced smart people, and to build great families that can withstand all of the storms that life will bring them.

Tiger Woods is no amphibian. His wife and children are not little lizards. I’m hoping for the best for all of them.

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That’s right, the Golden Rule is not a good rule for gift-giving. If we gave people only gifts that  we wanted for ourselves, where would there be joy? Husbands giving vanity jock straps to wives? Wives giving lotions and potions to husbands?

The right rule is the Platinum Rule, i.e., give them what THEY want. Such gifts are indeed a gift of LOVE because the giver may not “get” the value of the gift, may not “feel” the beauty of the gift, and may even think it’s a complete waste of time and money. Take a tatoo, for example. If you are one of those people who recoil with horror and the very idea of a tatoo, you are delivering a gift of profound love when you take your loved one and waltz into a tatoo parlor and shell out seven hundred dollars for a permanent intricate full-color portrayal of a bleeding vampire victim on the bare chest of this love of your life. Such is love. Such is Platinum Gifting.

I called a few of my friends and asked for wish lists for Christmas. Here’s what they listed:

My Blue friend Maria says she’ll be happy with a relaxation CD, a massage, live flowers, a seminar, books and tapes, a spiritual retreat, a massage, an original card or poem, healing aromatherapy items, theater, comedy, or concert tickets, a Vegan dinner and night out, an exotic dictionary, or gifts for her kids and her favorite charities.

My Gold friend Janet wants a gold pendant, pearl earrings,  a dress for a formal dinner, scrapbooking supplies, an elegant picture frame, Sees candy, a new energy-saving refrigerator, silverware nice enough to bequeath to a daughter, a gift certificate to Macy’s, software for electronic planning, a Julia Child cookbook, a deluxe Scrabble set, and membership in a California wine club.

My Orange wife Rose likes fun, surprises, and stuff for the family. On her list would be a spontaneous trip to Flagstaff or any beach city in the world, a spectacular bouquet of flowers, a return to Europe, tickets to a concert or major finals event in sports, tickets for all grandchildren to accompany her to museums and zoos and parks and theme parks, a really fun party with family and friends, an elegant dinner, sexy art for the house, state-of-the-art kitchen appliances,and — oh yes, a fully remodeled kitchen.

Green friends are hard to shop for, but I think I know just what George would like. First of all, this guy loves techie gadgets. He’d be happy with an upgrade to a Blackberry phone, a Kindle from Amazon.com, a GPS attached to anything that moves, a universal remote that worked the TV, refrigerator, garage door, and lighting system throughout the house. Ironically, his “geeky” hobbies are about as non-techie as you could imagine. He plays a ukulele, roots for an obscure softball team, remodels Nashes, and is a collector of home-made crystal radio sets. It takes great research to come up with “new” gifts to feed into the hobbies, but the search is always worth it. You should have seen his face when he got an original gear-shift head from a 1949 Nash.

Happy shopping, people!!! Even though you might now share a love of the gift, you will FEEL and ENJOY the love of your giftee!!

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Let’s take a look at a couple with totally different values about money. She’s Gold, he’s Orange.

THEIR VALUES STATEMENTS –

·        A Gold view of money: Money is a precious resource. A full life demands access to abundant resources. Frugality and the intelligent, careful use of money creates wealth and power. Spending money frivolously is a sin. Living on the financial edge is foolish, and it’s disrespectful of those who depend on you.

·        An Orange view of money: Life is not about money. Life is about grabbing the moment and feeling fully alive every day. Managing money has importance, but money itself is a tool to allow us to be truly alive, vital, and excited. Unnecessarily hoarding money ties us down and squelches creativity and growth.

This month is December 2009, gift-giving season – and what better time to check out money handling differences between a Gold and an Orange.

Of course you know what the Gold wife did. She scrimped and saved all year to buy everyone’s presents well in advance, at the best prices, and at the highest quality she could afford. Her Christmas shopping probably ended on Black Friday – not began.

The Orange husband, on the other hand, has saved nothing and embarks on buying presents somewhere between Black Friday and Christmas Day itself. Budgets be damned. It’s time to splurge and have fun. Otherwise, why go to work every day, right?

Come January 1 when the bills all come due, Gold wife and Orange husband need a Come to Jesus Meeting to keep from killing each other. She doesn’t want to pay interest on the husband’s credit cards for his lack of planning. He is happy to have been “generous” with his gift-giving and doesn’t think the Christmas splurging is that big a deal. In fact, that’s the way he’s lived his whole life.

So how to resolve this?

Rule #1 about arguing about money. The person who is a different Color from you has these VALUES like millions of other people of THAT COLOR. They – including your significant other – were BORN that way. Don’t try to change them. It’s not about you. And these values are NOT UNIQUE to your spouse. It’s likely that THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE OF THOSE VALUES. The problem is NOT that there is something wrong with the other person. Values different from yours ARE NOT CHARACTER FLAWS.

If you carefully read the Values Statements above, you can see that a calm discussion can result in seeing for understanding, some common values and, yes, EVEN BEHAVIORAL CHANGE!

Let’s just focus on how the Gold wife can persuade Orange husband to make a few small behavioral changes (not changes to his personality, by the way).

Common values. When you get down to it, the Orange husband will agree to the following: A full life demands access to abundant resources. Managing money has importance.

Important Orange Values. While money is important, equal importance to an Orange is personal freedom, plenty of choices to make at all times, the ability to play and party without planning, enjoyment of impulses, and seeking excitement.

Suggested Behavioral Changes for an Orange. Both parties need to agree on the importance of abundant resources and to actually say so aloud. What happens next is very important. The Gold strategy of “saving for a rainy day” and “putting off immediate gratification” will absolutely not work for an Orange. Both ideas probably make him sick internally. Saving is boring, and seems limiting. No red-blooded Orange person puts off immediate gratification very often.

The Gold mate needs to pose workable options that the Orange will choose from and, of course, the Orange wants to be asked to provide his own options. Options might include a hidden, automatic savings plan that’s easy to forget about. The Gold spouse might be allowed to take complete control savings, but still providing the Orange with a liberal allowance for play money, impulsivity, and spontaneity. Or else the two parties might decide to live on completely different bank accounts – with a third account meant to cover mutual expenses like mortgage, utilities, etc. The bottom line is that the Gold controls her own financial destiny and the Orange retains the freedom that he needs. Over time, the Come to Jesus meetings should be less frequent and the couple has better odds of enjoying each other’s company. Both have stopped judging each other negatively for values they don’t share. Letting themselves be themselves is a great act of love, wouldn’t you say?

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What if all strangers at a national conference wore Bourbon-Street-style beads flaunting their first Color? Before your eyes, an individual had on an identity necklace — Green, Orange, Blue, or Gold. Bear with me on this, folks. I get my workshop participants to do this all the time.

Your first encounter is with Ms. Jones with a Green necklace. You’re thinking, okay, Ms. Jones is probably proud as heck that she’s a true expert in something and she likely hopes that YOU are a very interesting expert in whatever you do too. You know what not to do –  do not get too touchy feely with personal information. She thrives on knowledge, competence and rationality. So what’s your opening line? How about, “Hi, I’m Jack. I just got to hear So-and-so talk about some intimidating research. Can I ask you what you are finding most interesting about this event?”

Mr. Smith with Gold beads is your next contact. Of course he will likely be a pretty serious dude – caring that your role at the conference is productive and he hopes that you will get on board with sound policies if they are discussed. You know to avoid overly general ideas and too much out-of-the-box thinking until you get to know the person better. Mr. Smith is all about duty and responsibility. A good opening line might be, “Today I was able to set up my workshop schedule in a matter of seconds. I haven’t had to ask a single person for directions. Is this thing well organized or what! What’s your impression?”

Moving on to Mary Clinton with a Blue necklace, you expect “touchy-feely” to be okay with her. Bottom line, she is an idealist and will likely be hugely interested in harmonic relationships – whether between two ordinary human beings or between nations on a pathway to lasting peace. You avoid conversation that is strictly business with Mary because she will be looking for a window to establish some kind of personal relationship with you. Be prepared for a conversation that may involve a large gamut from pets and children to world peace itself. Looking at her name badge, you might make your opening line, “Hello, Mary, I see you’re from Warrenton, Missouri. Believe it or not, I lived near there for three years a long time ago.  Can you still board the train to St. Louis there?”

Next, Bob Nelson has Orange beads on. The odds are good he likes action of many kinds. He is a free-agent in life, loves his freedom to move about, will take risks, will negotiate masterfully, and will be the most likely to want to have fun. You do not want to discuss anything in painstaking detail because he will be bored quickly, and especially do not hand him anything to read. Orange Bob will want you to get to any point quickly and won’t need much sugar-coating or schmoozing. And Bob likes options – so selling him on one idea might not work. An opening line? Try something like, “I’m Jack. So far it’s been all work and no play today. I see you don’t have a drink yet. Can I get you one?”

So how do you create opening lines when your new friends aren’t wearing “their Colors”? That’s a subject for another blog entry, but here are a few hints: Extraverts are easier to read than introverts. And there are some questions that will reveal temperament preferences quickly. For example, “I think I’m going to volunteer to help plan the next conference. If you could plan one like this, what would you do differently?” This question will often net a full list – a treasure chest of the values and needs of a particular temperament.

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