Let’s take a look at a couple with totally different values about money. She’s Gold, he’s Orange.
THEIR VALUES STATEMENTS –
· A Gold view of money: Money is a precious resource. A full life demands access to abundant resources. Frugality and the intelligent, careful use of money creates wealth and power. Spending money frivolously is a sin. Living on the financial edge is foolish, and it’s disrespectful of those who depend on you.
· An Orange view of money: Life is not about money. Life is about grabbing the moment and feeling fully alive every day. Managing money has importance, but money itself is a tool to allow us to be truly alive, vital, and excited. Unnecessarily hoarding money ties us down and squelches creativity and growth.
This month is December 2009, gift-giving season – and what better time to check out money handling differences between a Gold and an Orange.
Of course you know what the Gold wife did. She scrimped and saved all year to buy everyone’s presents well in advance, at the best prices, and at the highest quality she could afford. Her Christmas shopping probably ended on Black Friday – not began.
The Orange husband, on the other hand, has saved nothing and embarks on buying presents somewhere between Black Friday and Christmas Day itself. Budgets be damned. It’s time to splurge and have fun. Otherwise, why go to work every day, right?
Come January 1 when the bills all come due, Gold wife and Orange husband need a Come to Jesus Meeting to keep from killing each other. She doesn’t want to pay interest on the husband’s credit cards for his lack of planning. He is happy to have been “generous” with his gift-giving and doesn’t think the Christmas splurging is that big a deal. In fact, that’s the way he’s lived his whole life.
So how to resolve this?
Rule #1 about arguing about money. The person who is a different Color from you has these VALUES like millions of other people of THAT COLOR. They – including your significant other – were BORN that way. Don’t try to change them. It’s not about you. And these values are NOT UNIQUE to your spouse. It’s likely that THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE OF THOSE VALUES. The problem is NOT that there is something wrong with the other person. Values different from yours ARE NOT CHARACTER FLAWS.
If you carefully read the Values Statements above, you can see that a calm discussion can result in seeing for understanding, some common values and, yes, EVEN BEHAVIORAL CHANGE!
Let’s just focus on how the Gold wife can persuade Orange husband to make a few small behavioral changes (not changes to his personality, by the way).
Common values. When you get down to it, the Orange husband will agree to the following: A full life demands access to abundant resources. Managing money has importance.
Important Orange Values. While money is important, equal importance to an Orange is personal freedom, plenty of choices to make at all times, the ability to play and party without planning, enjoyment of impulses, and seeking excitement.
Suggested Behavioral Changes for an Orange. Both parties need to agree on the importance of abundant resources and to actually say so aloud. What happens next is very important. The Gold strategy of “saving for a rainy day” and “putting off immediate gratification” will absolutely not work for an Orange. Both ideas probably make him sick internally. Saving is boring, and seems limiting. No red-blooded Orange person puts off immediate gratification very often.
The Gold mate needs to pose workable options that the Orange will choose from and, of course, the Orange wants to be asked to provide his own options. Options might include a hidden, automatic savings plan that’s easy to forget about. The Gold spouse might be allowed to take complete control savings, but still providing the Orange with a liberal allowance for play money, impulsivity, and spontaneity. Or else the two parties might decide to live on completely different bank accounts – with a third account meant to cover mutual expenses like mortgage, utilities, etc. The bottom line is that the Gold controls her own financial destiny and the Orange retains the freedom that he needs. Over time, the Come to Jesus meetings should be less frequent and the couple has better odds of enjoying each other’s company. Both have stopped judging each other negatively for values they don’t share. Letting themselves be themselves is a great act of love, wouldn’t you say?
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